Just had to post my Writer's Block column from the March 3 Cape Cod Chronicle, to preserve it for posterity.

A Special ChroniLeaks Report

A mole deep within the bowels of Chatham town government has provided us with a copy of the double-secret, confidential, classified, for-selectmen’s-eyes-only first draft of the town profile, advertisement and qualifications for a new town manager. We here at ChroniLeaks believe it is vital to get this information out to the public, especially given the controversy over the “non-renewal” of the current town manager’s contract.

The documents shine a bright light on the expectations officials have for the new town executive as well as their perception of the state of the town.

In the 225-page profile, Chatham is characterized as a town with “a lot of money” and “wealth spewing out of every available orifice.” However, it makes it clear that the streets are not paved with gold; in fact, it states, the streets are barely paved at all thanks to the 100-year sewer project, and it recommends that a new town manager invest in a heavy truck or Hummer for all local travel.

The comprehensive profile discusses the town’s history, its strong points --- lots of well-educated retirees ready and willing to work on volunteer committees --- and its weak points --- lots of well-educated retirees ready and willing to work on volunteer committees. It outlines the economy of the community, focusing on the tourist trade, which thrives on the shifting sands of eroding beaches, the “quaint” downtown and historic assets, including shaky bridges and neon-painted houses. Real estate, or, as the documents state, “the sale of really expensive summer homes to people who will only use them a couple of weeks a year,” as well as construction or “letting developers do what they want,” and commercial fishing are also listed as important economic activities.

The initial draft of the profile stated that the town manager position is vacant due to “a coup within the board of selectmen by a cadre of change-seeking interlopers,” but this was later changed to “a decision by the board of selectmen not to extend the town manager’s employment contract,” although the end of this sentence included this cryptic symbol: ;-}.

Also included in the profile draft were mention of the new “friggin’ huge” police station and town hall annex, as well as plans to build a “humungo” fire station. A hand-written correction in reference to the sewer project changes “fleecing” to “financing.”

Under organization of town government, the initial draft states that the town manager, under the home rule charter, is responsible for the day to day workings of town government. There is a big black circle around this statement with these words penciled to the side: “That will change soon, bwaa-ha-ha-ha!!!” (extra exclamation points included).

Under the extensive “Challenges For The Town Manager” section were paragraphs headlined “Living in Chatham on $150K or less a year,” “Getting along with retired lawyers,” “Making sure staff members all speak the same language,” and “Learning how to jump when the selectmen say jump.” These were all excised from later drafts.

The ideal candidate, the draft profile states, will be a seasoned manager “without too much salt,” able to deal with complex issues and having strong organizational skills, leadership quality and the ability to tell a good joke, but keep it clean. The town manager must play a public role in town, attending civic functions, participating in the sing-a-long at the retired men’s club meetings, and substituting in left field for the Chatham Anglers as the need arises. The manager must be a champion swimmer, trained in lifeguard rescue techniques and knowledgeable in marine biology, preferably ichthyology with a specialty in chondrichthyes.

According to the draft qualifications for town manager, applicants must have the usual education and experience as well as “questionable integrity” (later drafts correct this to “unquestionable integrity”), have “strong-arm” organizational skills and the ability to dance the Elvis Twins under the table. Candidates were required, according to these early drafts, to also submit a list of the last 10 films or DVDs viewed, and the inclusion of any movie featuring Pauly Shore, Ashton Kutcher or Justin Bieber was grounds for automatic rejections. One draft referenced the film “The Golden Boys” along with the scrawled note: “Our ideal of what Chatham should be.”

Finally, the draft qualifications and application state that prospective candidates must be publicly accountable for their actions and agree to the placement of a web cam in their office and home. Computer experience is required, it states, including the ability to conduct a Google search on every person who speaks during the Public Forum segment of the selectmen’s meetings. Salary, it states, is subject to negotiations, “DOHWFATT” (Depending on how we feel at the time).

Public disclosure of documents such as these help ensure the transparency of government. We stand behind our sources and their right to slip us plain manila envelopes under the table, as well as our right to publish any and all public documents especially if it means we can make the powerful look silly. This, after all, is what democracy is all about.