The Cutting Room Floor

Because of space issues, the following stories were left out of the March 31 Chronicle:

Hinchey Rehired

Formerly outgoing Chatham Town Manager William Hinchey has been rehired, given a raise and other perks.

The surprise move came after the three selectmen who voted to ousted the longtime manager late last year had an abrupt and concurrent change of heart.

“We’re really sorry. We were wrong,” said Selectman Sean Summers.

“We were all depressed, all three of us,” added Selectman Tim Roper. “We found ourselves together at The Squire and had a good cry and a group hug.”

“Well, it wasn’t as dramatic as all that,” corrected Selectman Florence Seldin. “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. We realized that by winning the vote, we’d all lost something very important.”

The board met on bended knee in executive session with Hinchey last Thursday and offered to completely forget that anything had happened. They offered him a new 10-year contract, doubling his salary, paying his kids’ college tuition and any fines, penalties or legal fees he may incur during that period. They also offered him a nice shiny new truck.

“I’ve told Yarmouth to go pound the pavement,” Hinchey said, referring to his previous acceptance of the job of town administrator in that other town somewhere west of Harwich. “I realize this was all a mistake and I’d rather work in Chatham than anywhere else in the whole wide world.”

Reportedly, as part of his employment package, Hinchey gets to make fun of anyone who comes before the board of selectmen with impunity. He will also receive a personal sewer connection at his home, which is getting an overhaul by the building and park and recreation departments.

Chatham Taxpayers Indicted For Tax Fraud

The Chatham Concerned Taxpayers organization was indicted this week on charges that it has failed to pay taxes since its inception two years ago.

The Internal Revenue Service said in a press release that the group’s nonprofit status was suspect and its records were being reviewed by a dozen agents as well as members of the Chatham Citizens group.

Founder Fred Meanguy denied that the group ever owed taxes.

“This is just another example of tax and spend, tax and spend,” he said. “We’re having a tea party tomorrow to decide how to respond.”

Terrorist Demolish Bridge

The quasi-historic Mitchell River Bridge was dynamited yesterday. The group Explode and Run History claimed responsibility.

The plume from the explosion could be seen from all areas of town. Isolated pockets of cheering could also be heard all over town.

Andre Swashbuckle, the reputed leader of Explode and Run History, said the renegade gumshoe anarchists were simply sick and tired of hearing about the bridge week in and week out.

“If I have to read another rant from Normal Pagan, I swear we’ll do the Old Village next,” he said in a Facebook posting.

The Fiends of the Mitchell River Bridge vowed to rebuild the drawbridge exactly as it was, deteriorated pilings, broken drawspan and all.

“It will be even more historic when we’re through with it,” Pagan said. “Wood is well known to withstand dynamite better than any other substance known to man.”

For those without a sense of humor, here's the disclaimer: April Fools.