The Cutting Room Floor

Because of space issues, the following stories were left out of the March 31 Chronicle:

Hinchey Rehired

Formerly outgoing Chatham Town Manager William Hinchey has been rehired, given a raise and other perks.

The surprise move came after the three selectmen who voted to ousted the longtime manager late last year had an abrupt and concurrent change of heart.

“We’re really sorry. We were wrong,” said Selectman Sean Summers.

“We were all depressed, all three of us,” added Selectman Tim Roper. “We found ourselves together at The Squire and had a good cry and a group hug.”

“Well, it wasn’t as dramatic as all that,” corrected Selectman Florence Seldin. “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. We realized that by winning the vote, we’d all lost something very important.”

The board met on bended knee in executive session with Hinchey last Thursday and offered to completely forget that anything had happened. They offered him a new 10-year contract, doubling his salary, paying his kids’ college tuition and any fines, penalties or legal fees he may incur during that period. They also offered him a nice shiny new truck.

“I’ve told Yarmouth to go pound the pavement,” Hinchey said, referring to his previous acceptance of the job of town administrator in that other town somewhere west of Harwich. “I realize this was all a mistake and I’d rather work in Chatham than anywhere else in the whole wide world.”

Reportedly, as part of his employment package, Hinchey gets to make fun of anyone who comes before the board of selectmen with impunity. He will also receive a personal sewer connection at his home, which is getting an overhaul by the building and park and recreation departments.

Chatham Taxpayers Indicted For Tax Fraud

The Chatham Concerned Taxpayers organization was indicted this week on charges that it has failed to pay taxes since its inception two years ago.

The Internal Revenue Service said in a press release that the group’s nonprofit status was suspect and its records were being reviewed by a dozen agents as well as members of the Chatham Citizens group.

Founder Fred Meanguy denied that the group ever owed taxes.

“This is just another example of tax and spend, tax and spend,” he said. “We’re having a tea party tomorrow to decide how to respond.”

Terrorist Demolish Bridge

The quasi-historic Mitchell River Bridge was dynamited yesterday. The group Explode and Run History claimed responsibility.

The plume from the explosion could be seen from all areas of town. Isolated pockets of cheering could also be heard all over town.

Andre Swashbuckle, the reputed leader of Explode and Run History, said the renegade gumshoe anarchists were simply sick and tired of hearing about the bridge week in and week out.

“If I have to read another rant from Normal Pagan, I swear we’ll do the Old Village next,” he said in a Facebook posting.

The Fiends of the Mitchell River Bridge vowed to rebuild the drawbridge exactly as it was, deteriorated pilings, broken drawspan and all.

“It will be even more historic when we’re through with it,” Pagan said. “Wood is well known to withstand dynamite better than any other substance known to man.”

For those without a sense of humor, here's the disclaimer: April Fools.

The CCT And Me

Sometimes you just have to get something off your mind, even if you know it has the potential to ricochet back and knock you upside the head. So here goes.

In a Feb. 21 posting on its website headlined "Recall Failed, A Look Back," the Chatham Concerned Taxpayers essentially blamed The Chronicle, me and Chairman of Selectmen Len Sussman for the drive to recall the three selectmen who voted not to renew Town Manager William Hinchey's contract. There's just so much wrong here. Where to start?

First, the CCT refers to the recall effort as a "folly," thus patronizing and insulting not only the citizens who sponsored the drive, but the more than 1,000 voters who signed the petitions as well. Those people were in fact exercising their right to petition the government for redress of a perceived wrong, something enshrined in our Constitution which I would think the CCT, whose leadership are conservative Republicans, would respect.

The recall did not fall "far short" of its effort. The recall bar is set high --- purposefully, to avoid attempts to remove selectmen for trivial or personal reasons --- requiring that 1,406 registered voters sign recall petitions for each of the three selectmen. The petition for Sean Summers garnered 1,102, 78 percent of the required number; Tim Roper's was signed by 1,057 people, 75 percent of the required number, and 923, or 65 percent, signed Florence Seldin's petition. The numbers did fall short, but not "far" short. And remember, more people signed the petition than voted for Summers and Seldin in their last election.

I'll bypass their flawed reasoning behind the need to get rid of Hinchey; never mind that during his tenure the town has been considered one of the best-managed on the Cape, maintains the lowest tax rate in Barnstable County and one of the lowest in the state, and continues to have a triple-A bond rating. Not to mention the fact that Yarmouth snapped Hinchey up as that town's new town administrator as soon as he was available.

CCT blames The Chronicle for creating a "firestorm," after the selectmen had already quietly decided to let Hinchey's contract expire, with an editorial headlined "A Hinchey Lynching?" Selectmen had worked out an agreement with Hinchey, they state, and if not for our editorial, "that would have been the end of it."

Except that nobody knew what was going on, which was the point of the editorial. It criticized the board for keeping the decision to get rid of the town manager a secret, and asked board members to divulge to the public their reasons for doing so. It was that secrecy that drew a crowd to the Nov. 19 selectmen's meeting, and prompted the subsequent recall.

CCT also cites our "news" article (quotes are theirs, not mine) about the situation, mostly because they and others continue to insist that Hinchey wasn't "ousted," as the story stated; no, his contract was simply allowed to expire. By a 3-2 vote of the board. Which terminated a contract that otherwise would have automatically renewed. If that isn't being "fired" or "terminated," I don't know what is.

CCT goes on to wonder why The Chronicle inflamed passions. They state that Hinchey has supplied us with many exclusive stories over the year and provided us with "special access," which we would lose when he leaves. This, they stated, was more important to the paper than "preparing for the difficult years ahead," whatever that refers to. I actually laughed out loud when I first read this. We have enjoyed no special access to Hinchey. In fact, we have gone long periods --- years, in fact --- when he has barely spoken to us, due to some perceived slight or another. Hinchey never ever fed us an exclusive story. EVER. Ask any local reporter with experience in Chatham, and they'll tell you that Hinchey will answer questions, provide detailed explanations of minutia when requested, and even joke quite jovially, but he never, ever simply volunteers information. He has never called me with a story. He returns calls, because he is a professional. But he does not initiate. He is not nor has he ever been a "special information source" for us, as CCT erroneously states.

Did we just want to stir up controversy to sell papers, the group asks. Well, duh. We report news to sell newspapers. The Hinchey situation and the recall were news, big news. So we played it big. They seem to forget that we broke the story last fall; we were the first to report in September that the selectmen were considering not renewing Hinchey's contract. If not for our continued reporting of the story, the board would have slipped the issue by and the members who voted against Hinchey would not have had to justify themselves --- poorly, in large part --- in public.

My son loves Steve Martin's "King Tut." I revisited some of the comedian's material from that era when I put the song on a CD for him. Summarizing our coverage, the CCT states, "All in all, it was a poor performance by the Chronicle and its editor Mr. Wood." I harken back to Mr. Martin's catchphrase of the "King Tut" period: "Well excuuuuuuuse me!"

They go on to attack Sussman for pointing out that those who oppose the board's decision had recourse through the charter. "The Chronicle lit the match and Mr. Sussman poured the gasoline," they state. "That wasn't right."

And is it right to blame Hinchey for the town's financial situation --- which is quite good, by the way, though you wouldn't know that from reading the CCT propaganda --- even though every budget, every expenditure was approved by various boards of selectmen and hundreds of voters at town meeting? Is it right to cite false and misleading information about the town's sewer project, including unfounded assertions that alternative methods would save millions and that the expanded sewer plant is designed with regional expansion as its goal?

Never mind. Their parting words note that Sussman apologized for his behavior, but that "no apology has been forthcoming from The Chronicle."

And none will. We have nothing to apologize for. We informed people, we reported the news, we editorialized about an important issue. We did not organize the recall; I did not even sign the petitions, even though I was asked. I still believe it was a mistake to dismiss Hinchey. Only time will tell.

My final message to the CCT: I challenge you to do something positive for the town. Volunteer for a nonprofit. Contribute to the library. Stop complaining that your taxes are too high.

There. Off my chest. Since this is bound to rile somebody, let me just add this disclaimer. The foregoing expresses my own views and opinions, and is not endorsed by The Chronicle. This blog is my independent forum and not associated with The Chronicle.

Just had to post my Writer's Block column from the March 3 Cape Cod Chronicle, to preserve it for posterity.

A Special ChroniLeaks Report

A mole deep within the bowels of Chatham town government has provided us with a copy of the double-secret, confidential, classified, for-selectmen’s-eyes-only first draft of the town profile, advertisement and qualifications for a new town manager. We here at ChroniLeaks believe it is vital to get this information out to the public, especially given the controversy over the “non-renewal” of the current town manager’s contract.

The documents shine a bright light on the expectations officials have for the new town executive as well as their perception of the state of the town.

In the 225-page profile, Chatham is characterized as a town with “a lot of money” and “wealth spewing out of every available orifice.” However, it makes it clear that the streets are not paved with gold; in fact, it states, the streets are barely paved at all thanks to the 100-year sewer project, and it recommends that a new town manager invest in a heavy truck or Hummer for all local travel.

The comprehensive profile discusses the town’s history, its strong points --- lots of well-educated retirees ready and willing to work on volunteer committees --- and its weak points --- lots of well-educated retirees ready and willing to work on volunteer committees. It outlines the economy of the community, focusing on the tourist trade, which thrives on the shifting sands of eroding beaches, the “quaint” downtown and historic assets, including shaky bridges and neon-painted houses. Real estate, or, as the documents state, “the sale of really expensive summer homes to people who will only use them a couple of weeks a year,” as well as construction or “letting developers do what they want,” and commercial fishing are also listed as important economic activities.

The initial draft of the profile stated that the town manager position is vacant due to “a coup within the board of selectmen by a cadre of change-seeking interlopers,” but this was later changed to “a decision by the board of selectmen not to extend the town manager’s employment contract,” although the end of this sentence included this cryptic symbol: ;-}.

Also included in the profile draft were mention of the new “friggin’ huge” police station and town hall annex, as well as plans to build a “humungo” fire station. A hand-written correction in reference to the sewer project changes “fleecing” to “financing.”

Under organization of town government, the initial draft states that the town manager, under the home rule charter, is responsible for the day to day workings of town government. There is a big black circle around this statement with these words penciled to the side: “That will change soon, bwaa-ha-ha-ha!!!” (extra exclamation points included).

Under the extensive “Challenges For The Town Manager” section were paragraphs headlined “Living in Chatham on $150K or less a year,” “Getting along with retired lawyers,” “Making sure staff members all speak the same language,” and “Learning how to jump when the selectmen say jump.” These were all excised from later drafts.

The ideal candidate, the draft profile states, will be a seasoned manager “without too much salt,” able to deal with complex issues and having strong organizational skills, leadership quality and the ability to tell a good joke, but keep it clean. The town manager must play a public role in town, attending civic functions, participating in the sing-a-long at the retired men’s club meetings, and substituting in left field for the Chatham Anglers as the need arises. The manager must be a champion swimmer, trained in lifeguard rescue techniques and knowledgeable in marine biology, preferably ichthyology with a specialty in chondrichthyes.

According to the draft qualifications for town manager, applicants must have the usual education and experience as well as “questionable integrity” (later drafts correct this to “unquestionable integrity”), have “strong-arm” organizational skills and the ability to dance the Elvis Twins under the table. Candidates were required, according to these early drafts, to also submit a list of the last 10 films or DVDs viewed, and the inclusion of any movie featuring Pauly Shore, Ashton Kutcher or Justin Bieber was grounds for automatic rejections. One draft referenced the film “The Golden Boys” along with the scrawled note: “Our ideal of what Chatham should be.”

Finally, the draft qualifications and application state that prospective candidates must be publicly accountable for their actions and agree to the placement of a web cam in their office and home. Computer experience is required, it states, including the ability to conduct a Google search on every person who speaks during the Public Forum segment of the selectmen’s meetings. Salary, it states, is subject to negotiations, “DOHWFATT” (Depending on how we feel at the time).

Public disclosure of documents such as these help ensure the transparency of government. We stand behind our sources and their right to slip us plain manila envelopes under the table, as well as our right to publish any and all public documents especially if it means we can make the powerful look silly. This, after all, is what democracy is all about.